Have you ever given consideration to how you receive apologies? When we feel we have been wronged, there’s a natural tendency to feel that we are owed an apology. Sometimes we feel anxious, we blame, we feel righteous and we expect the person to apologize to us until we feel better.
The next time you feel someone owes you an apology, remember this: You own your feelings. No one else is responsible for how you feel. This does not mean that you are not owed an apology. It is good and right to apologize.
Most of us learn the hard way (if ever) how to apologize. Even fewer of us learn how to accept an apology.
When you owe someone an apology, think before you speak. Much heartache and discontent will be avoided with a quick, sincere, heart-felt apology. When apologizing, state exactly what you are apologizing for. Here’s an example of a good apology, “I apologize for being late. I know that I was disrespectful of your time and that was inconsiderate of me. Please forgive me.” This kind of apology if stated sincerely in a warm tone of voice will go a long way to soothing the other person. Unfortunately, most people, if they apologize at all, will simply say “Sorry I’m late.” That simply is not enough if the other person is bothered by the fact that you were late.
Now, if you are the person who was receiving this apology, it’s your responsibility to accept it graciously. Keep calm. Do not lash out, regardless of your feelings. You were given an apology. Accept it and move on. If you are having trouble controlling your emotions, try something like this, “I was pretty worked-up and it might take me a few minutes to calm down, but I want you to know I do appreciate your apology.”
If you expect the other person to continue to apologize to you until you feel better, you will be sorely disappointed. How many times would they need to apologize? Chances are, if that’s what you’re waiting for, you’ll never be satisfied. The other person will feel belittled, undervalued and at a loss of power to remedy the situation. The relationship will suffer unless you take responsibility for your own feelings.
Make just one swift, thoughtful, sincere and heart-felt apology.
Accept sincere apologies swiftly. Control your emotions and move on.
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Apologies…I find we want them but people aren’t so quick to admit mistakes or able say they are sorry. And maybe its about what you are saying here, or people don’t know how to do it or have been ill received in the past so they are reluctant?! I believe there is so much good to admiting and saying you are sorry. It helps people (and you) heal. Its intersteing that accepting is harder…but have to agree that if all you hear is sorry I’m late (or whatever it may be) in a non-chalant manner, it really doesn’t feel good, so you don’t want to accept it! However, usually we do…while moving on…not really letting our feelings be known. Your advice to say how you are feeling AND that you accept the apology….is great. Love your “swift” advice…and will use it wisely:) Thanks for sharing.
Rita Brennan Freay
http://ritabrennanfreay.com
It is interesting to read this post on this week. We are in the week before Yom Kippur, a major Jewish holiday. We are supposed to ask forgiveness of anyone we may have harmed or offended or otherwise done harm to over the past year. The person is not obligated to forgive us, but we are supposed to ask three times. Then it’s not our problem any more! Of course the goal is to reflect on ourselves and be aware of what we’ve done so that we can free ourselves to do better next time and clear away negativity of the past year. So your post on apology comes at an apt time! I think your comment about our feelings being our own is so important–people can get really lost and tied up in knots wanting something from someone else to resolve a feeling.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com/blog/
Personal-Professional Balance Through Writing
Reminds me of the saying: “Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.” I think that is pretty much what you are saying but from coming from both sides of the actual apology.
Apologizing is a skill to perform as it threatens who we are. Once we let go of that connection of right or wrong and recognize the situation and how to make it better, goes a long way to keeping things on an even keel! Nice post.
Candace Davenport
http://www.ourlittlebooks.com ~ Little Books with a Big Message
This was something I did struggle with until I met my husband. He is so open and honest and not afraid to admit when he is wrong and will always say he is sorry to me and to the kids…even when they were little, He would say he was sorry if he was a bit tired last night and didn’t want to read to them. I learned from him how to give and receive apologies as his are always honest and from the heart. It took me a while as i used to hold everything inside and did not like to admit I was wrong. But now I am able to swallow my pride and say I am sorry.
A very open and honest post with some lovely thoughts and ideas
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
I think that apologies are incredibly important ways to repair a hurt that, if left unchecked, can really fester, even when someone tries hard to “let go and move on” GIving a sincere apology (instead of perfunctory one) is a skill that I think is very important to learn. I particularly don’t like non-apology apologies that say something like “I am sorry you feel that way” (read: If you’re just too sensitive to know what I REALLY meant than I’ll condescend to apologize so neither of us has to feel bad). I love that your sample apology models true accountability, which I believe is at the foundation of a sincere apology, at the same time you remind us we are ultimately responsible to manage our own feelings, regardless of what the other person does. Great topic, and inspiring
I’ve always tried to live my life without doing things I would be sorry for. However, you can inadvertently hurt people, so when I find out I have, I apologize. I will accept apologies if they are sincere. If you have kids, you know that sometimes you get the “hasty apology” which translates to “I’m sorry I got caught…”
Very thoughtful post, Renee; I think that offering apologies can be so uncomfortable for so many people, even though they feel sorry it is difficult to say the words to someone. So I love how you have described such a simple and direct and heart felt way to express an apology. Learning that we own our feelings is a great lesson that I didn’t really embrace until I was in my 40′s! It’s a very valuable lesson that can help you avoid feeling victimized and angered by other people’s words and actions. Accepting apologies is another often awkward and difficult thing to do, but so important in order to maintain a relationship. I hope lots of people read your post and take it to heart!
This is a wonderful article. I hope you will post it to other places. Many people need to hear what you have to say. I used to have a terrible time making apologies because I confused making mistakes with being bad. I had a terrible case of black and white thinking. If I did something wrong, then I was wrong and bad and felt defensive. I am much better at accepting responsibility for my actions. And I find thank you works great for accepting an apology. That along with a hug, when appropriate!
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://susan-berland.com
I definitely believe that we must each own our own feelings. If I am kept waiting, recently I have found myself asking myself why I am getting irritated. There could be tons of valid reasons why the other person is late. I find in questioning my own feelings as soon as they start up, I short circuit them and save myself my own grief. Getting upset about something you can’t change only hurts you. So many times in doing that, I find I don’t need the apology so it’s easy to accept it if offered and move on.
And I’m getting good at offering apologies because I’ve learned that I survive just great and it saves lots of relationships and stops any arguments. I am okay with not being right. I’m downright comfortable with it at times! LOL.
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Reconnecting you to your essence, joy, vitality, youth.| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | AgeLoc Skin Care | Pharmanex Supplements
http://thereconnectivehighway.com
These are great tips on giving and accepting apologies. I have always been over apologetic and often (used to) apologize for things that weren’t my fault or problem. I have had to learn to only apologize for things that I feel I was wrong to do. I think it’s a British thing!
Louise Edington
Breaking Through online Frontiers
http://louiseedington.com
I recently had to lay off an employee whom I had helped out quite a bit and he was a really great worker so it was real easy to give to him. When he left he still had 400$ worth of tools that he said he would return- he never did. I felt I was owed an apology and my tools of course but never received one or the tools. I prayed and asked forgiveness and finally was able to see the truth in him and I no-longer have any feelings towards him. You are so right if we do turn within and forgive we can be just fine even if we dont receive an apology.
Hi Renee,
Thanks for this nice discussion. I agree with what you say, and especially like your recommendation about swift and sincere. It’s true for so much — praise, apologies, and almost everything else. I’ve found that the longer I let sore feelings stew, the worse they get.
Robbie
i left a long comment comment earlier this week but it’s not here, can you check spam…Some very thoughtful advice..apologizing is never easy but your advice makes it seem somewhat easier . It used to be much more difficult for me but i have earned much on the art of apologizing from my husband who is never afraid to say “Im sorry” even to the kids when they were little
Oh the art of apologizing! And in my opinion it is an art form. Most people can read right through an insincere one, right? My 16 year old would rather have her teeth drilled without novocaine than say “I’m sorry.” But you know what, she will have to deal with that short coming in the real world, not me. I can only model the behavior. And, receiving an apology – also needs to be done with class. It takes a big person to say I’m sorry and a loving person to whole-heartedly accept one with grace.
It seems like most humans have issues with the “sorry” gene, whether it is on the receiving or giving end. I especially like your example of receiving the apology and stating, “I’m a little worked up….”. Sincerity certainly needs to be on both ends!
Not seeing the ‘Like’ button on your page. Did I miss it? Thank you for this post. So many of us need this help because we didn’t get the instruction as kids. We were told “Say your soryy” and that was it. Knowing how to accept one equally important. Excellent examples.